Beating a Dead Horse
by Sheya Nera
Summary: Excel and Hyatt attempt to complete their latest mission, poking fun at movies, Yuri, and other Excel Saga fanfiction as they go along! Rated T for occasional language and vague romance stuff at the end. Read it! Y'know you wanna.
1. Beginning of the End

The Boring Author's Note Part: As much as I wish I did, I do not own of the actual characters in Excel Saga, though I do own a plethora of dvd's, manga's, and various other merchandise. For a while, I would amuse myself by picking out which fanfiction were bad, which were awful, and which you shouldn't fan near an open flame. Noticing the lack of good Excel Saga fanfiction, I decided to take up a pencil and transcribe my own.

Take note that in this story, I poke fun at many things, including but not limited to other Excel Saga fanfiction, movies, and most importantly, my own extreme nerdiness. So if Excel vaguely references your Fanfiction in a less-than-glorious light, please remember that it's all just in good fun, so do try and not take too much offense from it.

Also, Koshi Rikdo did not give me any permission to write this, as he was probably far too busy drawing weird hentai Doujinshi's where Sonic and Tails get it on as girls or something. He's strange like that.

CHAPTER ONE:  
THE BEGINNING OF THE END

It was an almost unnaturally peaceful and serene day in the City of F. The sky was sunny and clear, the birds were singing in the trees (All three of them, as the other trees had been torn down to make room for more office buildings), and lots of other stuff that generally showed that everything was A-OK. Of course, all this peace and calm doesn't exactly translate into an interesting story, and the quiet was shortly ruined by a loud shriek that sent birds flying, broke glass, and made a few people actually stop playing Final Fantasy XI long enough to close their windows before letting the joy of endless power-leveling reabsorb them.

"NO!" Were the very distinct words of the shriek. "You can't die on me now! Not when we were so close!"

The shriek, of course, came from a certain apartment complex, and more specifically, from the lips of a certain blonde agent of ACROSS who was currently crumpled on the floor of the living room in defeat. "So... Close." She muttered quietly.

"What's wrong, Senior?" Came a mousey voice as Hyatt popped her head in from the kitchen, her head tilting curiously as she looked towards the frustrated blonde.

Excel slowly lifted her head up from where it was laying on the floor, slowly turning to face towards the dark-haired woman. "Oh, hiya Ha-chan." The girl said flatly. "I was just bemoaning the passing of our latest ACROSS recruit."

Hyatt blinked, her head tilting to one side. "New ACROSS recruit? Some self-inserted, poorly thought out, one-dimensional character created for the sole purpose of having badly written sex with you, Senior?"

The blonde shook her head. "No, that's someone else's fanfiction. I was just talking about our computer." The girl made a motion towards the plain computer set up on the floor in front of her.

"When did Senior get us a computer?" Hyatt asked quietly, her head tilting towards the other side.

Excel grinned proudly, poking a thumb towards herself. "I bought it when we had that brief job at Radio Shack!" She paused, slumping over slightly. "And by 'bought', I mean 'stole when the manager wasn't looking'."

There was the sound of footsteps softly muffled by the carpeting as Hyatt walked over to the side of the other girl, crouching down to get a closer look at the computer. "It doesn't look too broken to me, Senior. What were you doing?"

"Well..." Excel began, sitting back on the heels of her feet. "I figured the best way to get the message of ACROSS out to today's technology-obsessed culture was with an Angelfire website! It was gonna be loaded with annoying animated Gifs, dozens of pop-up ad's, and an obnoxiously loud Midi of 'Revolution' by the Beatles."

Hyatt clasped her hands together cheerfully. "It sounds like it was a true work of art, Senior."

With a fist held dramatically up into the air, Excel nodded. "It was truly a testament to the greatness of ACROSS and the wonder of Lord Ilpalazzo!" She paused, then slumped forward onto the ground again, her raised arm draping over the computer's monitor. "And then AOL crashed and it all got deleted."

"The information superhighway can be cruel, Senior."

"Right!" Excel shouted as she suddenly hopped up onto her feet. "There is only one thing left to do! Grab the keyboard, Ha-chan!"

Elsewhere, a certain trio of bachelors were heading back to their apartment. "I can't believe you, Iwata..." The dark-haired man mumbled under his breath, his hand clenched into a fist as he stared spitefully at his spikey-haired counterpart.

"Aw, come on, Watanabe! Lighten up!" Iwata said with a bright grin on his face, his arms filled with soft plushie animals, including several suspiciously familiar yellow martians. "Once we sell these things on Ebay, we'll be millionaire's!"

"For one..." Watanabe began, holding up his index finger. "The Beanie Baby craze died out years ago! Second..." He brought up his middle finger as well. "We don't even have an internet connection, you idiot!"

Iwata began to nearly shove the fuzzy animals directly into Watanabe's face. "Aww! But lookit 'em! They're just soooo cuuutee!"

Watanabe let out an annoyed grunt, using his hands to try and shove them back against Iwata, growling, "Don't touch me with those damn things!" The two struggles for a few moments while Sumiyoshi merely looked on with a silent sigh. Suddenly, a loud voice from above made the two pause.

"Look out belooooww!"

They barely had enough time to give a confused glance upwards before a computer monitor suddenly smashed into Iwata's face, sending the man crumpling to the ground afterwards.

Watanabe blinked, staring down at the mess of man, machine, and partially crushed beanie babies before staring up into the sky. "I know I'm not a very religious man, but thank you. Whoever may be up there, thank y-"

His words were cut off as a PC tower collided with his face. After managing to take a single step, he collapses ontop of Iwata's already unconscious form. After witnessing this, Sumiyoshi briefly looked up before wisely stepping underneath the balcony, out of harm's way.

Excel poked her head over the railing of the balcony, waving a hand down towards the comatose men. "Hey, I warned ya!" She stood back afterwards, dusting her hands off with a look of accomplishment on her face. "Well, that's that. I know it might not be obvious to you now, Ha-chan, but if we had kept that computer, we would've been drawn like moths to the cool glow of the monitor! And before you know it, our lives would be nothing more than solitaire and Instant Messaging!" The girl paused, looking over her shoulder towards the open door to their apartment. "Uh, Ha-chan? Are you even listening?"

Lying on the floor, her body still halfway inside the apartment, was Hyatt, crumpled over the keyboard with a slowly growing pool of blood beneath her.

Excel's eye twitched momentarily. "Er... Maybe I should've given you something a little less heavy to carry. Like the mouse." The blonde leaned in, sliding the keyboard out from under Hyatt before carelessly tossing the bloody thing over her shoulder and off the balcony. "Come on, Ha-chan! It's time to report to Lord Ilpalazzo!" Excel picked the bleeding woman off of the ground, laying her over her shoulder before darting down the stairs.

Just outside of the apartment, the mysterious man in a red jacket known only as Nabeshin stood. "Excel..." He murmured. "You must remain strong during your latest mission. Never give up... Trust your instincts."

Excel walked by him, blinking a bit before raising her hand to him in greeting. "Yo, Mist-ah Direct-ah! Why're you standing outside our apartment and quoting Star Fox 64 again?" She shook her head, speaking again before he could answer. "Ah, nevermind. I'm in a hurry! Nice new hair piece, by the way." The blonde said cheerfully, pointing to the bloody keyboard that had mysteriously become imbedded in Nabeshin's famous 'fro.

As the girl began to walk off, Hyatt still slumped over her shoulder, Nabeshin grinned. "Hey, thanks Excel, I..." He blinked. "Wait, hairpiece? What hairpiece?" He reached up, touching the keyboard jammed in his hair. "Aww, dammit!"

LATER THAT DAY...

"HAAAAAAAAAAAIIIILLLL ILPALAZZZOOOOOOOO!"

The enthusiastic shout echoed out over the rather empty, dreary headquarters of ACROSS. The two girls stood in front of the throne, as usual, their hands raised in a simultaneous salute. However, the throne was oddly empty. After several minutes of holding the salute, Hyatt turned her head towards her fellow Officer, poking her lower lip with her index finger. "Uh, Senior? Lord Ilpalazzo seems to be mysteriously absent from today's briefing."

Excel continued to hold the pose for another moment, then slumped forward, one arm hanging limply in front of her while she poked herself on the side of her head with her other hand. "you're right, Ha-chan. At first I thought he might just be testing our patience, but he's never taken this long before." She stood up straight again, her eyes wide with panic. "Oh no! What if something bad happened to him? What if-"

Her words were cut off by a new, yet vaguely familiar voice. "Fortunately for you, I, Elgara, am here to quell any paranoid thoughts in your tiny head, Senior Excel."

Excel blinked, looking over past Hyatt towards this new arrival. "Elgara? Where the hell did you come from? And why are you here?"

The woman smiled proudly, pushing her large chest out. "I am here to deliver an important message from Lord Ilpalazzo." She said, wisely avoiding that first question.

Excel shook her head. "No, I mean, why are you here? This fanfiction is based on the anime. According to our sales reports, only four people have read the Excel Saga manga. No one who reads this will even know who you are!"

Elgara looked shocked. 'What could Senior Excel be talking about? It's common knowledge that I, Elgara, am by far the most popular character.'

Excel glared at the woman. "Yeah, and that whole sub-vocalizing thing? No one's gonna get that either."

Elgara glanced down at her body, which was slowly disappearing. "Wait, wait!" She began to panic, flailing her arms about before clasping her vaguely transparent hands together, giving Excel a pleading look. "Don't make me go! I'm never in any fanfics!"

Excel merely grinned impishly, waving her hand to the now mostly see-through woman. "Too bad! See ya in the Manga!"

"No! I will not be silenced! I will be back! Mark my words! Mark my woooords!" And with that, elgara disappeared in a puff of logic and continuity.

"Well, that was certainly odd, Senior." Hyatt simply said in her usual mousey tone.

Excel dusted her hands off again. "Ah, she had it comin' to her anyway."

Noticing something odd on the ground, Hyatt slowly crouched down, picking a piece of paper up from where the third ACROSS girl had been standing a moment before. "Oh look, Senior. Elgara dropped the message from Lord Ilpalazzo. Shall I read it?"

"By all means!" Excel said cheerfully, eagerly awaiting the news.

Hyatt pulled a small pair of glasses from her uniform, clearing her throat before reading the message.

"'Dear Existing Members of ACROSS,

It is with my sincerest apologies that I must take a brief leave from my duties. Note: I am actually taking a vacation in the Caribbean. Do not read that last part out-loud to Excel. While I am gone, observe the Ignorant Masses for any new, easily exploitable weaknesses. Upon my return, prepare for a mandatory viewing of the pictures I've taken over the trip in usual slide show format.

Lord Ilpalazzo.'"

Hyatt looked up from the note. "That's all it says, Senior. Oh wait... It also says I'm supposed to do this." The dark-haired girl walked in front of the throne, then began reaching for an ominous rope hanging from the ceiling.

Excel blinked, a nervous look on her face. "W-wait, Hyatt, what do you think we're doing? Haven't we already done this plot before? I'm sure Lord Ilpalazzo didn't mean for you to..." Excel was cut off as the floor opened up underneath her. "Or maybe he diiiiiid..." She shouted, her voice growing fainter and fainter as she fell through the pit, ending with a loud splash. Hyatt, meanwhile, fainted from the exhaustion of pulling the rope, collapsing in front of the open pit.


	2. The Plot Congeals

CHAPTER TWO: THE PLOT CONGEALS

The day had transgressed into a busy afternoon, the slowly setting sun casting it's light down on the two Agents of ACROSS as they walked home, cars buzzing by them. Actually, that was a bit of an exaggeration, since the cars were all more or less stuck in a giant traffic jam as the working class citizens all tried to get home and obsess over Final Fantasy XI more.

With her hands held lazily behind her head, Excel looked over to Hyatt, whose face was currently in a newspaper while they moved along the sidewalk. "So, Ha-chan, see any good job openings?"

"Well, Senior," Hyatt began, lowering the paper a little to look to her counterpart. "It says here there's two jobs available in a lesbian bar opening across town. We'll be paid for the first 25 chapters or so, then the author will write us out of the story and forget we exist.

Excel shook her head firmly. "No way. It's against ACROSS policies to work in a cross-over, especially one whose author doesn't know when to stop making new chapters and put the story out of it's misery." Excel tilted her head. "Besides, why would we work in a lesbian bar, of all places?"

"I'm not too sure, Senior." Hyatt simply said, then looked back down to the paper. "There's also two openings at the sharper image near us."

Excel shook her head again. "No, I was banned from there after I destroyed one of those massage chair things." She brought her hands down from her head, folding her arms over her chest. "Is it my fault that I sorta panicked when it started to lock my legs in place? I thought it might've been one of those James Bond torture things in disguise."

"A totally understandable reaction, Senior." Hyatt said reassuringly. "Oh, there's jobs available at a restaurant near here."

In one quick movement, Excel grabbed the paper form her partner, staring at the job ad mentioned. "Lemme see that!"

Hyatt wobbled dangerously for a moment after the paper was snatched from her hands, though amazingly she managed to keep her footing and avoid collapsing onto the ground.

"Minimum wage... Cash under the table... No background checks..." Excel began to grin rather impishly. "Sounds right up our alley, Ha-chan! Let's go!"

The blonde grabbed her pale partner's hand, and just as she was about to drag her off again, there was a weak mumble from Hyatt."Senior? It appears that we are already here."

Excel paused, looking to the side. Indeed, the restaurant from the ad was the very restaurant in front of them. "Convenient!" The blonde said cheerfully, dropping the other girl's hand and grabbing the Help Wanted sign placed outside b efore heading in, Hyatt close behind her.

An hour or two later, the girls were in the restaurant's kitchen, both wearing aprons which were covered in slightly suspicious red stains. "That's probably the first time your clothes were covered in blood before you put 'em on, eh Ha-chan?" Excel joked, cracking up into laughter afterwards.

Hyatt merely blinked in confusion, her head tilting to the side. "I don't get it, Senior."

Excel's laughter quickly faded after that comment, glaring at Hyatt from the corner of her eye. "True comedy is never appreciated." She mumbled her breath, then concentrated on stirring a dark red soup which had been boiling since they had first arrived, singing in a loud and tuneless voice. "Ohh, Ladle, ladle, ladle! I found you in the trash! And when this job is over, we'll have some spending cash!"

After cheerfully singing for another few moments, Excel drew a cupful of the soup, staring down at the lightly bubbling liquid curiously. "I wonder what kind of soup this is." She wondered aloud, then shrugged. "Oh well! One way to find out! Bottoms up!" She began to bring the soup up to her lips, until Hyatt bumped into her, spilling the soup on the floor.

"Oh, sorry Senior." Hyatt apologized, bowing politely.

Excel let out an annoyed sigh. "It's okay, Ha-chan, just be more careful. I'll clean it up." The blonde grabbed a rag that was hanging off of the stove, crouching down before stating to dutifully clean the spill on the floor. "On the first day, too." She mumbled under her breath, then tilted her head to one side as something shining in the spill caught her eye. "Eh? Whazzdat?" Reaching out, Excel grabbed the shining object, bringing it closer to her face. "Hmm... A golden tooth?" She blinked curiously. "What was a golden tooth doing in the soup? Could this be a clue? A warning? Or an obscure reference to an even more obscure anime only our author liked?"

Hyatt had, in the meantime, taken a small sip of the soup. "I have no idea, Senior, but this soup tastes oddly familiar to me."

Excel's eyes narrowed as she slowly put two and tow together. After all, it is possible to get the circle through the square peg -You just have to shove the piece hard enough. "What's the name of this place again, Hyatt?"

"Hannibal's Happy Hamburger House." The dark haired woman answered politely.

A blank look came over Excel's face. "Uh oh."

Suddenly, there was a series of loud knocks at the door leading into the kitchen. "Hey, new girls! We got... heheh... somethin' for ya!" Through the window on the door, Excel could see two ominous shapes standing outside, one holding something distinctly sharp and painful looking.

The blonde darted over to the door, locking it hastily. "Cannibals! Ha-chan, hurry! We need to find another way out of this kitchen, and fast!"

As Excel pressed her weight against the door to keep the people outside from breaking in, Hyatt put her index finger against her lower lip, looking around the room curiously and calmly, completely unaware of the situation. "Umm... There's a vent we could use near the floor here, Senior."

"Good thinking, Ha-chan!" Excel said as she darted to the vent in question, tearing off the cover. "If it worked for Snake, Sam, and JC Denton, it'll work for us!" The blonde announced before grabbing Hyatt, practically shoving the woman into the vent. "You go first!"

The banging at the door grew louder. "Come on, open up! You'll only make it worse for yourself!"

Hyatt disappeared into the darkness of the vent. A minute or so later, her voice was faintly heard echoing from the other end of the vent. "Senior? It seems to lead outside."

"Perfect!" Excel said cheerfully before dropping down onto her knees, starting to climb into the vent as well. After getting a little ways in, she was stopped. She squirmed about desperately for a moment, before a realization came to her. "I'm... Stuck!" She began flailing about in the vent frantically. "Ha-chan, help!"

Just then, the door burst open. However, the two men invading only got the chance to briefly see Excel's legs as she was dragged up into the vent. Quickly, one of the two moved over to the vent, looking inside. After investigating for a moment, he sighed. "Well, it looks like they ran off."

The other sighed, holding up a large chocolate cake he was holding his hands. "And we were gonna give 'em their 'Happy First Day' cake, too."

The first one nodded. "Yeah. And then we were gonna kill 'em and eat 'em, right?"

"Yup. Oh well. Put the Help Wanted sign back out front."

A few miles away from the restaurant, a very exhausted Excel leaned up against the wall of another business, her breath coming in rapid pants for air. "That... was... close." She managed to mumble out in between loud gasps of air. "And what's worse..." The girl slammed her head in against the brick wall, causing it to crack slightly. "... I didn't even get anything to eat." As if on cue, her stomach made a loud, gurgling sound.

An oddly similar gurgling sound came from Hyatt, who had been standing next to Excel after being dragged away from the Hamburger House. "S-senior..."

Excel pulled her head away from the vaguely Excel's-face shaped indention in the wall, spitting out a piece of brick before turning to look to her partner. Hyatt looked awful. "My God, Hyatt. You look awful!"

Somehow, the dark haired girl had managed to become even more pale and sickly-looking than usual, a light trail of crimson red blood dripping from her lips. "I... I think it was that soup, Senior..." The girl managed to quietly say before collapsing forward, into Excel's arms.

A few of the random pedestrians walking along the street paused, staring curiously at the two. With a slight blush on her cheeks, Excel stamped her foot down onto the ground, the pavement cracking under the force. "Just what the hell are you people staring at!" She barked. The pedestrians all quickly began walking along again, though some gave an occasional, brief look back towards the two girls.

Excel let out a frustrated sigh, laying the other girl over her shoulder. "Come on, Ha-chan. Let's get you back to the apartment before you start bleeding in front of everyone."


	3. Ending of the Beginning

CHAPTER THREE:

THE ENDING OF THE BEGINNING

The door to the apartment was abruptly kicked open, practically knocking the door off of it's hinges. "Aaaand we're home!" Excel said in a sing-song voice, holding her arms up into the air dramatically. "Hello, cheap living establishment! Hello, kitchen in dire need of cleaning! Hello, Mench..." The girl trailed off, her emerald eyes blinking as her arms slowly fell to her sides. "Uh, Menchi?"

The blonde began to quickly dart to and fro about the apartment, checking all of the places where Menchi could be - Hiding in their 'beds', in the refrigerator, the stove, the pressure cooker... "She's not here!" Excel announced, taking a step out of the apartment, looking over to where she had laid Hyatt against the wall. "Hyatt, Menchi is gone! She might've been captured by enemy agents! Who knows what kind of torture she's being put through right now!"

A variety of images flashed through Excel's mind - Menchi being stretched on a torture rack, Menchi being electrocuted, Menchi being subjected to Chinese water torture...

"Or..." Excel began, a slightly blank look on her face as she looked to the door, "Maybe I just left the door open on accident again and she wandered out." The girl poked herself on the side of her head. "Either way, we've got to find her! But first thing's first... I need to deal with Ha-chan!"

She began to turn her head back to look towards where she had put Hyatt, but suddenly found herself staring face to face with the anemic girl who had apparently recovered while Excel was imagining Menchi's tortures. Excel let out a squawk of surprise, falling backwards onto the ground. "H-ha-chan! Don't surprise me like that!"

Hyatt tilted her head briefly, then bowed. "I'm sorry, Senior. I feel much better now."

Excel slowly stood back up, sighing to herself. "Well, that's good, at least. C'mon, we've got to find Menchi!" Just as the girl started to head off, she felt a thin hand grabbing her arm. With a slightly confused look on her face, Excel turned her head back to give an odd stare at Hyatt. "What is it, Ha-chan?"

"I think I left something in the apartment, Senior." Hyatt said pleasantly. "Can we go back inside for a minute?"

After scratching the side of her head for a moment, Excle shrugged. "Sure, why not?" She mumbled before stepping back into the apartment. Hyatt walked in afterwards, closing the door behind her. Faintly, there was the sound of a lock clicking.

Then, silence. Another few moments passed before a small, white furred dog popped her head out from behind the trash she'd been using for cover. Seeing that the proverbial coast as clear, she began to happily head out, her tail wagging cheerfully. Suddenly, a paid of gloved hands grabbed the dog, picking it up into the air. The dog let out a yip of surprise, then tilted her head as she saw who picked her up.

"There there, Mince." The mysterious person said in a silky voice. "No need to worry. All is going according to plan..." The person let out a melodic giggle as one of the gloved hands began to slowly pet the dog's head.

Back in the apartment, Hyatt turned from the now-locked door, looking to Excel. "Senior... I think we're alone now."

"The beating of our hearts is the only sound." Excel said, then tilted her head. "Well, besides us talking, and all. But what's Tommy James & The Shondells got to do anything with this?"

Hyatt smild. "Oh, Senior, you can be so cute..."

Excel blinked. "Cute? Wait... Wait, something's wrong here."

Hyatt shook her hed. "No, I think it's quite right..."

Excel frowned. "Wait a minute. Single-verb, extremely out of character actions? Song lyrics disguised as dialogue? A sudden drop of grammar and drastic increase of spelling errors? A general lack of coherent plot?"

"I don't think we ever really had that, Senior." Hyatt interrupted, that slightly vacant, almost too-happy smile still on her lips.

Ignoring her, Excel continued. "All of these could only add up to one thing... Either I just logged onto ShoujoAi MUSH, or I'm trapped in a Yuri fanfiction!" She announced, an edge of panic in her voice.

Hyatt: Is there even a difference between those? Besides, it's not so bad, Senior. You'll like. moves closer

Excel quickly shook her head. "No, no, stop it with the half-assed script style. We're not going that low."

Hyatt: pouts But Senior... wraps her arms around Excel

Excel: Well, maybe...

Excel cut herself off, quickly shaking her head again while waving her hands about. "No, no! Get out of my head!" The girl shouted, slipping from Hyatt's arms and darting into the bathroom, slamming the door, locking it, then barricading it with a few pieces of wood and a couple nails that just happened to be lying around the bathroom floor for some reason.

Panting slightly, Excel stood in front of the mirror, staring into it despondantly. "What am I gonna do? If I don't do anything, the story will never continue, and I'll never see my Lord Ilpalazzo again!" She banged her head against the mirror in frustration.

The girl's reflection began to fade, soon replaced by the smirking face of the devil Excel. "It is I, Bad Excel!"

The blonde pulled her face back, tilting her head up to look into the mirror curiously, her head tilting to one side. "Bad Excel? But I thought you were dead!"

Bad Excel narrowed her eyes. "Killed me? I'm just a clevah metaphor for 'da moral thought process! I can't be killed! What're yah, an idiot or somethin'?" The conscience pointer her pitchfork at Excel for a moment, then slowly lowered it again. "Anyway, I say yah should give in and let the Yuri run it's natural course!"

The face then began to fade, replaced by the angelic Excel."Yes, Excel!" The other conscience said. "You must give in! It is your only option!"

Excel stroked her chin in thought, weighing her choices. "Let's see... I can either give in, or I could give i-Wait." The blonde slumped over slightly, that blank look on her face again. "That's the same thing! Aren't you supposed to give me the other morally upright option?"

Good Excel shook her head. "No. Sadly, this is your only choice..." She trailed off, poking herself on the side of her head. "And I owe Bad Excel give bucks. My hands are sorta tied, so to speak... Sorry!" The image then quickly began to fade.

"No, wait!" Excel shouted. "There must be another option! And just how the hell does a conscience owe someone money! You're not even real!" However, her question went unanswered - She was merely standing into her normal reflection once more. The girl sighed. "I guess... I have no other choice."

The door was unlocked and the boards torn away. Excel slipped out of the bathroom, and, with a heavy sigh, slipped back into Hyatt's arms, since she had been holding that same position since Excel left.

"Well, Ha-chan..." Excel murmured in a hushed, gentle tone, slowly stroking her hand through the other girl's hair. "I guess I give up."

Hyatt gave the other agent a small squeeze, her hands roaming along her back affectionately. "I knew you'd come to your senses, Senior. They all do. We all float down here, Ritchie."

"Stop with the Stephen King quotes and kiss me."

With those words, the two began to slowly draw closer to one another, clinging to each other. Excel could feel Hyatt's warm breath as her soft lips moved ever closer to her own, slowly letting her eyes begin to close.

"Oh, Senior..." Hyatt murmured as their lips were almost touching. "I... I..." Before the girl could finish her words, she suddenly coughed a lungful of blood point-blank onto Excel's face, slipped from her arms, then promptly fell to the floor and fainted.

There was a moment of silence as Excel stood perfectly still, her arms still held as if gripping Hyatt, her lips still partially parted in anticipation for the kiss, her green eyes open wide with a shocked look. Slowly, she raised a hand up, wiping away some of the blood on her cheek, before turning her eyes down to stare at her blood smeared fingers. "Sometimes..." She muttered to no one in particular. "I hate my life." And with this, she collapsed, crumpling to the floor next to Hyatt, passing out.

The door to the apartment slowly opened, despite the fact that it was previously locked. The mysterious figure walked into the room, still lightly petting Menchi. "Perfect." It murmured, then suddenly spoke up. "I, Elgara, knew this would be the perfect way to get my revenge! Good thing the author was so easily bribed with Fleetwood Mac bootlegs!" The woman grinned triumphantly, letting out an obnoxious laugh. Menchi, meanwhile, squirmed from her arms, slipping out of the open door unnoticed.

As Menchi slipped out, Nabeshin walked by the door, glaring at Elgara. "Sheesh, can't that bitch learn she ain't supposed to be in this story?" The afro wondered mumbled before closing the door quietly with his heel.

Just as Elgara finally began to stop laughing, a knock came from the door. The third ACROSS agent blinked, turning her head over her shoulder. "Eh? I thought I left that open..." She turned around, opening the door casually.

"Hello." The girl standing behind the door said, bowing politely. "My name is Liana. I'm a poorly thought-out, one-dimensional character, inserted into the story for the sole purpose of having poorly written sex with you."

Elgara slumped over.

"Oh, hell."

LE FIN

So there you go, boys and ghouls. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed spacing out enough from my classes to write it. Feel free to review it, or send any comments, love letters, used underwear, or bricks to .


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